‘I Dwell in Possibility’
For me, what always seemed most tragic was not the losses which are natural to life, devastating though they may be. Those at least may be understood. Rather the greatest tragedies are the opportunities refused out of fear, the aborted projects, the friendships never pursued, the potential lovers that were never spoken to. Not what died, but what never lived. Perhaps that is why I am so good at beginnings, and so horrible at endings. Because it seems so horrible to me to not allow ideas of the future I have shared with another to become the future.
I’ve tried to live in pursuit of whatever I’ve passionate about. I do not have any major regrets. Maybe because I am still young enough not to. But I have seen and been with people who would rather accept what is presented to them than change who they are. I think a large number of my poems are about exploring not only what I have lived, but about the realities that I and others I know were not allowed to live.
When I first began reading Wallace Stevens as a mid-teen I thought he was writing specifically about poetry. I understand now his project is far more complete than that: he is investigating and commenting on how we imaginatively engage with reality. This engagement is not a privileged position but a necessary act. The poet will exist as long as there is language.
No more a roving
It is a bit embarrassing to remember that when I was thirteen and fourteen my favorite poet was probably Byron. But of course my favorite band at the time was The Doors. I suppose both are still great for moments of nostalgia.
Harold Bloom
What hindered Harold Bloom most as a critic seems to be his belief that great literature was a matter of almost exclusively male writers engaged in some sort of Freudian battle. When I began to read literature in my early teens, Bloom’s books were omnipresent. There might be few to no books of literary criticism by other writers. But you would find Bloom’s volumes of edited essays on the shelves next to the works of many of the major authors. In the introductions to which he could casually eviscerate their writing. As if it was actually Bloom with the Oedipal need.
I once started to watch a lecture he gave. I stopped after he quoted himself—twice. For many years, I had no interest in criticism, because I thought being a critic meant being something like Harold Bloom.
Defense is the single largest category of discretionary spending in the U.S. economy, followed by health, then transportation. Its expenditure budget is higher than what is dedicated to community and regional development, education, the administration of justice, as well as the general government.
There are writers I love, and other writers I love but must avoid reading too often—or else the rhythms in my work will begin to resemble the rhythms in their work.
In my writing I want to articulate the experiences of those people in my life that were never able to articulate their own experiences.
In the way that deities in Hinduism are constantly emerging from each other, and identifying themselves with each other, as well as because of explicit statements in the Upanishads, Hinduism ( at least in certain sectors ) seems cognizant of itself as a system of symbols for reflection. A self-awareness that is lacking in the Abrahamic tradition in particular.
I feel like I now have a word for what I have been through the last two years: katabasis—a descent through sorrows and solitude.
I have hundreds of strange little poems that no one else may ever be interested in. And I am ok with that. I’m happy they exist. Even if they only go on existing in my desk drawer.
Why do we pursue and create beauty? It must be because it is a source of pleasure. Poets who reject the pursuit of beauty in their work derive their pleasure instead from a sense of justice, or an adherence to reality, or whatever it may be. But they are still following the pleasure principle, and should not criticize the efforts of those attempting to find beauty in the world and evoke beauty in their lines.
I think it’s indicative of my growth as a person and a poet that formerly I wanted to write a book that had the feeling of a PJ Harvey album, and now I want to write a book that has the feeling of a Charlie Parker album.
Acceptances
I don’t know if anyone reads the work I have published. Though other poets have told me they admire my poems, and think of me as a good poet, I still find it difficult to believe. Why? I think I went so long showing no one what I wrote, it’s difficult to believe that reality has changed.
Even if one person reads every poem I publish, that’s still, to me at least, a considerable number of people. And if only one person reads only one of the poems I have published, that will be one more reader than I would have if I kept all my poems where they were: untyped, in my desk drawer.
Mental Illness
I do not want to romanticize mental illness. But it may help us, as a society, overcome our aversion to speaking openly about mental illness if we recognize there are advantages for its survivors—whether those suffering from it themselves, or those to others who have or are experiencing mental illness.
Mental illness teaches us empathy for others who suffer, whatever the cause of their suffering. With its way of forcing us into unusual perspectives, it can allow us to be more creative. And, like all trauma, it shows us how to be resilient.
Of course all these things are possible only if those who experience mental illness can be given the help they need, instead of the shame they usually receive.
A chorus, a conversation—
People speak of “finding your voice” as a writer as if such a voice could ever be singular.
Toxic Positivity
I used to think someone with toxic positivity was simply someone who is annoyingly positive. Now I realize it is much more insidious. Toxic positivity allows people to believe they can change the reality of a situation by changing the narrative they tell themselves about it—which is the very definition of denial. It prevents authentic expression and empathy. It allows people to hide from anything difficult, to convince themselves they have succeeded even when they have failed, and to ignore the people they meet that do not evince the same positivity—even when the reason those people do not have have the same mindset is because they cannot, as they do not come from the same place of privilege. Saying “everything happens for a reason” is a way to convince yourself that your life and everything that happens to you has meaning. It also serves to shut down any difficult emotions that you or someone else may be feeling. And if you aren’t happy, then you only have yourself to blame. So it also ends up becoming a way to shame others.
Short-term profit
The pandemic may serve as a model for climate change. At least in this country, enough corporations and politicians will prioritize short-term profits over long-term health and security.